Tell us a joke...

Idle chit-chat and banter. Let your hair down, but remember there are kids about!

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terryp69
Joined: Mon 16 Aug, 2010 12:42
Posts: 17

  Z3 roadster 2.2i

Post by terryp69 » Thu 03 Mar, 2011 12:45

Chap having a drink with his wife:
"I love you" says the man.
"Is that you or the beer talking" says his wife.
"I was talking to the beer" replies our chap...

And one for techies...

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer;
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have eggs, get six!"
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."

Z3cade
Joined: Sat 09 Jan, 2010 18:18
Posts: 2634

  M roadster S50
Location: Peterborough

Post by Z3cade » Thu 03 Mar, 2011 13:39

( text joke )

`Hi mate. I dont want you to panic but i`m texting from casualty.
Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn`t what i thought it was..`
///M Roadster - Evolve Stage 3
Image

bugsy
Joined: Wed 01 Apr, 2009 10:12
Posts: 47

  M roadster S50
Location: Sutton

Post by bugsy » Thu 03 Mar, 2011 14:31

Z3cade wrote:( text joke )

`Hi mate. I dont want you to panic but i`m texting from casualty.
Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn`t what i thought it was..`
Reminds me of when I went to the chemist to buy some deodorant and they asked me if I wanted ball or aerosol
I said neither, as it was for my armpits.

Warrior
Joined: Tue 11 May, 2010 11:02
Posts: 378

  Z3 roadster 3.0i

Post by Warrior » Sun 06 Mar, 2011 22:54

HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP



DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting to go on this "all-girls" trip.
It will be my first one, - and I can't wait!






--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2


Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.






--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.





----------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4


Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.






--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.






--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

Today I saved 1600 lives.




Twice.

Tori
Joined: Sun 24 Jan, 2010 18:07
Posts: 837

  Z3 roadster 2.8
Location: Ipswich
Contact:

Post by Tori » Mon 04 Apr, 2011 23:34

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo — she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting right next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed, when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
Image
Now for sale £6000 Ono

Z3cade
Joined: Sat 09 Jan, 2010 18:18
Posts: 2634

  M roadster S50
Location: Peterborough

Post by Z3cade » Tue 26 Apr, 2011 23:46

What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?.......

Wipe its face, tell it your sorry and run away!!
///M Roadster - Evolve Stage 3
Image

Tori
Joined: Sun 24 Jan, 2010 18:07
Posts: 837

  Z3 roadster 2.8
Location: Ipswich
Contact:

Post by Tori » Wed 27 Apr, 2011 20:51

Z3cade wrote:What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?.......

Wipe its face, tell it your sorry and run away!!
:shock: :shock: :o
Image
Now for sale £6000 Ono

User avatar
Hard Top
Joined: Sun 17 Jan, 2010 23:16
Posts: 1239

  Z3 roadster 1.9
Location: Netherlands

Post by Hard Top » Thu 26 May, 2011 22:29

Subject: iAppliances....

Last March I bought my son an iPhone.
He loves it, and who wouldn't?

In July my wife bought me an iPad for my birthday, and it's great!

For my daughter's birthday in August I got her an iPod-Touch and she's very happy with it.

For my lovely wife's birthday in September, I got her an iRon.

She was angry......................
What she doesn't understand is that it fully integrates with her
iWash, iCook and iClean.

Image


P.S. I’m in the hospital now.....until next Friday!
HT

Image

Titan's apprentice. :D
Titan wrote:Occupations ?
Official Devil's Advocate :devil:
Leg Puller
Micky Taker
http://www.lde.nu/index.htm

z head
Joined: Mon 04 Jun, 2007 11:35
Posts: 274

  Z4 roadster 2.5si
Location: Ormskirk

Post by z head » Fri 27 May, 2011 07:37

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

User avatar
EnthuZiaZT
Joined: Sat 12 Sep, 2009 15:27
Posts: 442

  Z3 roadster 2.0
Location: Sutton, Cambridgeshire

Great joke

Post by EnthuZiaZT » Sat 28 May, 2011 22:46

terryp69 wrote:Chap having a drink with his wife:
"I love you" says the man.
"Is that you or the beer talking" says his wife.
"I was talking to the beer" replies our chap...

And one for techies...

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer;
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have eggs, get six!"
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."
:lol: Great joke about the eggs, bought tears to the eyes.
How about joining us on the North Norfolk Coast Cruise on Sunday 24th July. See Diary & Events
Mike & Sandy - Mora Metallic Individual 2.0L

Image

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sidtheranger
Joined: Sun 18 Jul, 2010 14:45
Posts: 193

  Z3 roadster 1.9
Location: Dorking

Post by sidtheranger » Sun 29 May, 2011 14:48

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Frenchman, a Latvian, a German, an Italian, an Aussie, a Yank, a Turk, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Swede, a Greek, a Russian, a Kiwi, an Estonian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Fin, an Isreali, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech and a Swiss went into a pub. The landlord said 'Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai!' :)
Blessed are the Cheesemakers

User avatar
sidtheranger
Joined: Sun 18 Jul, 2010 14:45
Posts: 193

  Z3 roadster 1.9
Location: Dorking

Post by sidtheranger » Sun 29 May, 2011 14:53

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name ?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London"
Blessed are the Cheesemakers

z head
Joined: Mon 04 Jun, 2007 11:35
Posts: 274

  Z4 roadster 2.5si
Location: Ormskirk

Post by z head » Sun 29 May, 2011 14:59

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

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mwpe
Joined: Wed 05 May, 2010 18:55
Posts: 183

  Z3 roadster 3.0i
Location: Camberley

Post by mwpe » Sun 29 May, 2011 21:12

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, “Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blond joke?
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke sir, I think it is fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things.
One: The bartender is a blond woman.
Two: The bouncer is a blond woman.
Three: The woman sitting next to me is blond and is a professional boxer.
Four: The lady to your right is blond and is a professional wrestler.
Five: I’m a 6 foot, 200 pound blond woman with a Ph.D a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude! Now think about it seriously mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

User avatar
sidtheranger
Joined: Sun 18 Jul, 2010 14:45
Posts: 193

  Z3 roadster 1.9
Location: Dorking

Post by sidtheranger » Mon 30 May, 2011 10:14

:roflmao:
Blessed are the Cheesemakers

Jamezee
Joined: Sat 21 Feb, 2009 23:46
Posts: 1411

  Z3 roadster 2.2i
Location: Royston Vasey

Post by Jamezee » Mon 20 Jun, 2011 22:49

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.


Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one. Harry Callahan.

BMW dust caps x 4 (replica)
Little Tree Air Freshener-Vanillaroma (now worn out and in the bin)
2006 AA road atlas (with the latest safety cameras)

Guest

  

Post by Guest » Mon 20 Jun, 2011 23:24

A Dwarf with a lisp goes to buy a horse.

"I want a female horth" he said to a horse dealer, who shows him a mare.

"Nithe horth. Can i thee her eythe?"

Dealer picks him up and shows him it's eyes.

"Nithe eyeth. Can i thee her teeth?"

He lifts him up and shows him her teeth.

"Nithe teeth, Can i see her twot?"

The Dealer picks him up, shoves head up the mares fanny and pulls him out a few seconds later.

"i'll reefaze that. Can i see her wun awound?"

Guest

  

Post by Guest » Mon 20 Jun, 2011 23:24

A Dwarf with a lisp goes to buy a horse.

"I want a female horth" he said to a horse dealer, who shows him a mare.

"Nithe horth. Can i thee her eythe?"

Dealer picks him up and shows him it's eyes.

"Nithe eyeth. Can i thee her teeth?"

He lifts him up and shows him her teeth.

"Nithe teeth, Can i see her twot?"

The Dealer picks him up, shoves head up the mares fanny and pulls him out a few seconds later.

"i'll reefaze that. Can i see her wun awound?"

Guest

  

Post by Guest » Mon 20 Jun, 2011 23:24

A Dwarf with a lisp goes to buy a horse.

"I want a female horth" he said to a horse dealer, who shows him a mare.

"Nithe horth. Can i thee her eythe?"

Dealer picks him up and shows him it's eyes.

"Nithe eyeth. Can i thee her teeth?"

He lifts him up and shows him her teeth.

"Nithe teeth, Can i see her twot?"

The Dealer picks him up, shoves head up the mares fanny and pulls him out a few seconds later.

"i'll reefaze that. Can i see her wun awound?"

Guest

  

Post by Guest » Mon 20 Jun, 2011 23:24

A Dwarf with a lisp goes to buy a horse.

"I want a female horth" he said to a horse dealer, who shows him a mare.

"Nithe horth. Can i thee her eythe?"

Dealer picks him up and shows him it's eyes.

"Nithe eyeth. Can i thee her teeth?"

He lifts him up and shows him her teeth.

"Nithe teeth, Can i see her twot?"

The Dealer picks him up, shoves head up the mares fanny and pulls him out a few seconds later.

"i'll reefaze that. Can i see her wun awound?"

Guest

  

Post by Guest » Mon 20 Jun, 2011 23:24

A Dwarf with a lisp goes to buy a horse.

"I want a female horth" he said to a horse dealer, who shows him a mare.

"Nithe horth. Can i thee her eythe?"

Dealer picks him up and shows him it's eyes.

"Nithe eyeth. Can i thee her teeth?"

He lifts him up and shows him her teeth.

"Nithe teeth, Can i see her twot?"

The Dealer picks him up, shoves head up the mares fanny and pulls him out a few seconds later.

"i'll reefaze that. Can i see her wun awound?"

Guest

  

Post by Guest » Mon 20 Jun, 2011 23:24

A Dwarf with a lisp goes to buy a horse.

"I want a female horth" he said to a horse dealer, who shows him a mare.

"Nithe horth. Can i thee her eythe?"

Dealer picks him up and shows him it's eyes.

"Nithe eyeth. Can i thee her teeth?"

He lifts him up and shows him her teeth.

"Nithe teeth, Can i see her twot?"

The Dealer picks him up, shoves head up the mares fanny and pulls him out a few seconds later.

"i'll reefaze that. Can i see her wun awound?"

Guest

  

Post by Guest » Mon 20 Jun, 2011 23:24

A Dwarf with a lisp goes to buy a horse.

"I want a female horth" he said to a horse dealer, who shows him a mare.

"Nithe horth. Can i thee her eythe?"

Dealer picks him up and shows him it's eyes.

"Nithe eyeth. Can i thee her teeth?"

He lifts him up and shows him her teeth.

"Nithe teeth, Can i see her twot?"

The Dealer picks him up, shoves head up the mares fanny and pulls him out a few seconds later.

"i'll reefaze that. Can i see her wun awound?"

Guest

  

Post by Guest » Mon 20 Jun, 2011 23:24

A Dwarf with a lisp goes to buy a horse.

"I want a female horth" he said to a horse dealer, who shows him a mare.

"Nithe horth. Can i thee her eythe?"

Dealer picks him up and shows him it's eyes.

"Nithe eyeth. Can i thee her teeth?"

He lifts him up and shows him her teeth.

"Nithe teeth, Can i see her twot?"

The Dealer picks him up, shoves head up the mares fanny and pulls him out a few seconds later.

"i'll reefaze that. Can i see her wun awound?"

User avatar
Hard Top
Joined: Sun 17 Jan, 2010 23:16
Posts: 1239

  Z3 roadster 1.9
Location: Netherlands

Post by Hard Top » Mon 20 Jun, 2011 23:45

Joke number 8 made me laugh the most. :wink:
HT

Image

Titan's apprentice. :D
Titan wrote:Occupations ?
Official Devil's Advocate :devil:
Leg Puller
Micky Taker
http://www.lde.nu/index.htm

Guest

  

Post by Guest » Tue 21 Jun, 2011 06:56

Sticky mouse button, I kept pressing to free, then realised the result.

Glad it was still funny after the first time :dunce: :shake:

Bill-
Joined: Sat 21 May, 2011 11:57
Posts: 305

  blank.gif
Location: Brands hatch

Post by Bill- » Tue 12 Jul, 2011 18:55

A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and
sad at the same time'.

His wife replies... 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother'

Bill-
Joined: Sat 21 May, 2011 11:57
Posts: 305

  blank.gif
Location: Brands hatch

Post by Bill- » Tue 12 Jul, 2011 19:12

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stein lager.

Barman asks, "What's wrong with Steinlager?"

Bloke replies, "I had 12 pints of it last night and when I came too I was f*cking skint."

Barman says, "But 12 pints of anything costs about the same."

Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."

Guest

  

Post by Guest » Thu 14 Jul, 2011 06:29

Was out walking with the wife this morning

She suddenly stopped and removed her shoe complaining about a stone in it

I replied there's about 20 stone in the other so crack on fatty.

Frank.A
Joined: Mon 20 Jul, 2009 22:15
Posts: 875

  Z3 roadster 2.8
Location: Twixt York and Hull

Post by Frank.A » Thu 14 Jul, 2011 09:33

Old Chinese Proverb

Confucius say,


"If you are in a book store and cannot find
the book for which you search, you are obviously
in the.....




Image
Image

2000 Topaz 2.8 Individual.

Youth would be more useful if it came later in life!

Bill-
Joined: Sat 21 May, 2011 11:57
Posts: 305

  blank.gif
Location: Brands hatch

Post by Bill- » Thu 14 Jul, 2011 11:36

Evmundo wrote:Was out walking with the wife this morning

She suddenly stopped and removed her shoe complaining about a stone in it

I replied there's about 20 stone in the other so crack on fatty.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Zedtree
Joined: Wed 13 Oct, 2010 23:26
Posts: 22

  Z3 roadster 2.0

Speed strip

Post by Zedtree » Fri 15 Jul, 2011 00:54

A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked. One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his sl...ow driving habits.
‘I can't stand it anymore,’ she told him. ‘Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing’.
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time and travelling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck. ‘Go to the road and get help,’ he said. ‘I don't have anything to cover myself with!’ she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. ‘You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up,’ he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.
Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. ‘My boyfriend! My boyfriend!’ she sobs, ‘He's stuck and I can't pull him out!’
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, ‘Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Zedtree
Joined: Wed 13 Oct, 2010 23:26
Posts: 22

  Z3 roadster 2.0

Post by Zedtree » Thu 21 Jul, 2011 01:27

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

User avatar
Badman gee
Joined: Sun 14 Nov, 2010 10:45
Posts: 2299

  M roadster S50

Post by Badman gee » Thu 21 Jul, 2011 07:37

Frank.A wrote:Old Chinese Proverb

Confucius say,


"If you are in a book store and cannot find
the book for which you search, you are obviously
in the.....




[img]http://i880.photobucket.com/albums/ac7/frank-

valhalla/chinesebookshop.jpg[/img]

top draw love it!
Image

The 'BEAST' 666

User avatar
TaffZee
Joined: Thu 20 May, 2010 10:45
Posts: 1276

  blank
Location: ACREFAIR
Contact:

Post by TaffZee » Mon 26 Sep, 2011 10:00

Stew died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Mick and Paddy.

The three men had always done everything together.

Mick arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Mick said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Mick said, 'Nope, ain't Stew.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Paddy in to confirm the identity of the body.

Paddy looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Paddy said, 'No, it ain't Stew.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Paddy said, 'Well, Stew had two a**holes.'

'What? He had two a**holes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

There's Stew with them two a**holes.'
Image1998 Atlanta Blue 2.8

simonbud100
Joined: Tue 09 Feb, 2010 22:39
Posts: 204

  Z3 roadster 3.0i
Location: Swansea

Post by simonbud100 » Mon 26 Sep, 2011 22:17

A guy walked into a pub and for no reason turned to a man standing at the bar and punched him in the face, knocking him clean out.

"Thats Karate, from Japan" he said to the bar man.

Next he turned around and kicked another customer in the chest, again knocking him unconcious.

"Thats Taekwando, from Korea" he said out loud for all to hear.

With that, Dai the local bricky got up from his seat in the corner and hit the bully over the back of the head with a piece of wood, knocking him to the ground.

"Thats a plank, from B&Q" he said.

User avatar
Ragtop
Joined: Sun 26 Jul, 2009 21:38
Posts: 790

  Z3 roadster 2.2i
Location: Bexhill on Sea

Post by Ragtop » Thu 06 Oct, 2011 20:09

Question:
How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an
Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

Answer:
First - Lets pose the following question:

You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks
eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you.
You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot, however you
have only a split second to react before he reaches you.

What do you do?


BRITISH POLICE OFFICER:

Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights.
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the
law?
3) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
4) Am I dressed provocatively?
5) Could I run away?
6) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of
his hand?
7) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?
8) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
9) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does
this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to
wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to
stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he
falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? .
13) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does
he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and
the loss of my family home?

AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER:

BANG!


AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! 'click'....
(Sergeant arrives at scene later and remarks: 'Nice grouping!)
Image

User avatar
Gazza
Site Admin
Joined: Tue 04 Oct, 2005 21:58
Posts: 9165

  M roadster S54
Location: East London/Essex

Post by Gazza » Thu 06 Oct, 2011 20:47

I've just received a letter saying that my friend has died and left me an expensive watch, I hope it isn't a wind-up
Gazza

"Understeer is when you hit the wall with the front of the car, oversteer is when you hit the wall with the rear of the car. Horsepower is how fast you hit the wall and torque is how far you take the wall with you"

S54 M roadster Image Mustang Fastback, BMW Z1, BMW M3 CSL.

ImageImage

Warrior
Joined: Tue 11 May, 2010 11:02
Posts: 378

  Z3 roadster 3.0i

Post by Warrior » Thu 06 Oct, 2011 20:57

HTC and Samsung have some stiff competition now....

trackdaywidow
Joined: Sat 05 Jan, 2008 16:06
Posts: 66

  Not specified
Location: Bedford

Post by trackdaywidow » Thu 06 Oct, 2011 21:33

Evmundo wrote:Sticky mouse button, I kept pressing to free, then realised the result.

Glad it was still funny after the first time :dunce: :shake:
I was beginning to think this was the one about Snow White and the 7 dwarfs .... until I got to number 8 :wink:
BTW old joke nicely told :)

garyw
Joined: Fri 07 Nov, 2003 22:29
Posts: 2644

  Porsche

Post by garyw » Fri 07 Oct, 2011 11:57

Warrior wrote:HTC and Samsung have some stiff competition now....
Too early....

Warrior
Joined: Tue 11 May, 2010 11:02
Posts: 378

  Z3 roadster 3.0i

Post by Warrior » Fri 07 Oct, 2011 23:37

garyw wrote:
Warrior wrote:HTC and Samsung have some stiff competition now....
Too early....
why?

Guest

  

Post by Guest » Sat 08 Oct, 2011 20:58

Warrior wrote:
garyw wrote:
Warrior wrote:HTC and Samsung have some stiff competition now....
Too early....
why?
He was also into Cryogenics...............................

Guest

  

Post by Guest » Mon 17 Oct, 2011 19:28

Two Irish couples decided to swap their partners for the night..........

After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy said........

"I wonder how the girls are getting on......"

brilie
Joined: Sun 29 Aug, 2010 19:12
Posts: 222

  Z3 roadster 2.8
Location: doncaster

Post by brilie » Mon 17 Oct, 2011 20:34

Iam sure all you are aware blackberry had problems last week,can you imagine the headlnes if apple went down at the same time ?
BLACKBERRY AND APPLE CRUMBLE !!!!!!! :lol:

Guest

  

Post by Guest » Sat 29 Oct, 2011 21:12

Due to the eviction at Dale Farm, the travellers have been offered an alternative site on Wolverhampton Wanderers FC football ground. Furious at the thought of dirty, thieving, in-bred, semi literate animals living right on their doorstep, the travellers have turned it down!

Guest

  

Post by Guest » Mon 07 Nov, 2011 20:27

Not a joke as such, just one BMW owners angst against a furry enemy, made me smile:

http://www.gruppeb.com/Mole-Killer/

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Mint
Joined: Tue 01 Nov, 2011 18:43
Posts: 475

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Location: Gayton (Staffordshire)

Post by Mint » Thu 19 Jan, 2012 22:39

Understanding Engineers: One
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

Understanding Engineers: Two
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers: Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers: Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers: Five
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers: Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers: Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers: Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
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There are only two products required to make the universe work properly: Duct tape and WD40.
If it moves (and it shouldn’t): Duct tape. If it doesn’t move (and it should): WD40.

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