zroadster.net

Someone sent me this today and it made me giggle so I thought I'd share it....

"A woman in a jewellers breaks wind bending over to look at a beautiful diamond ring. She looks round, embarrassed, and sees the salesman standing right behind her. Totally proffessional, he says
"Good day Madam, how may I help you?". Hoping that he hadn't heard her 'accident' she asks, " Sir, what's the price of this lovely ring????"
He answers
"Madam, if you farted just looking at it, your going to **** yourself when I tell you the price!"


Anyone else have any good ones?

yes we like that one thanks for sharing

A traffic cop flagged down a motorist and said, 'I'm arresting you for going through three red lights.'
'Yeah, well, I'm color blind,' said the motorist.
'In addition to that, you were exceeding the speed limit,' said the policeman.

'So what?' said the motorist.

'And on top of all that you were going the wrong way down a one-way street,' added the officer.

'I always did have a lousy sense of direction,' said the motorist with a smile.

At that point, his wife leaned forward from the back seat and said,

'Don't pay any attention to him, officer. He always talks like this when he's had a few drinks.'

HT

Thierry Henry's still f***ing French.

Velcro..



what a rip-off !!!

ok here's another one....

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist..'

Politically incorrect I love it !!!!!!!!



A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven. ....

He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them. ..

"Yes?", asks St. Peter. .

"I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani. ..

St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here"

Today I had a work trial as a male masseuse, Didn't go so well, apparently finish of on her face means something different in their book!!!

Paddy and Murphy were walking home from a days shopping.
Pady says to Murphy if i can guess how many dougnuts you have in your bag can i have one?. Murphy replies if you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag you can have both of them.

Heres another one. Two airials got married last week.
the service wasnt very good. But the reception was fantastic.

The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' - and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

A) Sparrow

B) Thrush

C) Magpie

D) Cuckoo

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.


"Dat's simple - it's s a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause - and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was DA Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a bloody clock!"

One liner................

What do you call a horse with one eye in the middle of his head?

















A Cyclipityclops

delvis wrote:

2litrezed wrote:One liner................

What do you call a horse with one eye in the middle of his head?
I dont know please tell.

















A Cyclipityclops

Erm ok a CYCLIPITYCLOPS

was there alll the time - not that funny I know ....

That's TWO lines!

I still thought it was funny.

Cheer R.

First post so thought I would pop my ZRoadster Cherry in here...

A woman, pregnant with triplets, was caught in the crossfire at a bank robbery and shot 3 times in the stomach. The doctors said it was too risky to operate and chose to leave the bullets in.

16 years later one of the girl triplets went crying to her mum. She asked what was wrong and the girl replied "I was peeing and a bullt came out" so her mum explained what had happened 16 years earlier. The next day the same thing happened with the other girl triplet so once more mum told about the bank robbery.

The day after, the boy triplet runs into the kitchen crying histerically. "Let me guess" she said, " you were peeing and a bullet came out?", the boy replied "no, I was having a wank and I shot the dog!".

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

An elderly couple was attending a church service, about halfway through she leans over and says, " I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess....
"Will you marry me?"



The Princess said, "NO!!!"


And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

kruisn wrote:Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess....
"Will you marry me?"



The Princess said, "NO!!!"


And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

I take it from that you're married Kruisn

A man walkes in pizza hut and ask for a pizza. The youg assistant ask
would like the pizza cutting into 12 pces or 8 pces. he replies 8 please i couldnt eat 12.

English man, Irish man, Scotch man, And a Welshman.
They were talking about there sons names. The english man said my eldest son is called George after st georges day. The welsman says oh my sons called David After st davids day. The scotch man says my son is called Andrew after st andrews day. The irish man says i cant wait to get home and tell pancake.

A woman playing golf, teed off and watched in horror as her ball hit a man playing the next hole. He clasped his hands together at his groin and fell to the ground, rolling about in agony.

The woman rushed over to the man and offered to help to relieve his pain, as she was a physiotherapist. He said 'No, I'll be fine', but she insisted.

She gently took his hands away, undid his trousers and put her hands inside.

She massaged tenderly for several moments and asked 'How does that feel?'

He replied 'It feels fantastic, but I still think that my thumbs broken!'

A woman playing golf, teed off and watched in horror as her ball hit a man playing the next hole. He clasped his hands together at his groin and fell to the ground, rolling about in agony.

The woman rushed over to the man and offered to help to relieve his pain, as she was a physiotherapist. He said 'No, I'll be fine', but she insisted.

She gently took his hands away, undid his trousers and put her hands inside.

She massaged tenderly for several moments and asked 'How does that feel?'

He replied 'It feels fantastic, but I still think that my thumbs broken!'

So good he said it twice

Yeah . . . . . . . . . but I'm not sure how! Perhaps one of the mods could sort it out!!!!

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be .40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. ' Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be .62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.

Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

I got stopped for speeding yesterday.... I thought I could talk my way out of it until the copper looked in the back of the car and saw my dog...

Snoops wrote:I got stopped for speeding yesterday.... I thought I could talk my way out of it until the copper looked in the back of the car and saw my dog...

Snoops wrote:I got stopped for speeding yesterday.... I thought I could talk my way out of it until the copper looked in the back of the car and saw my dog...

I'm not surprised you got pulled
As Z3s don't have rear seats, that dog must have been driving

that dog must have been driving

How long before he gets a barking ticket?

Husband to wife - Do you fancy playing the rape game?

Wife - No.

Husband - That's the spirit.


Or more topical:-

Rooney on the training pitch dribbles the ball round Heskey, then Ashley Cole, Wright-Phillips and David James he's just running upto Ledley King when from the touchline Capello shouts "Cones Wayne, I said go round the cones"

How fast can you guess the words?

1. B o o _ s

2. _ _ n d o m

3. F _ _ k

4. P _ n _ s

5. P u _ s _



Answers Below, Don't cheat






















Answers

1. Books

2. Random

3. Fork

4. Pants

5. Pulse

You got all 5 wrong DIDN'T YOU

Snoops wrote: You got all 5 wrong DIDN'T YOU

Yep,

HT

Snoops wrote:You got all 5 wrong DIDN'T YOU

No ?
I'm still trying to reveal the first one .........

me too. all 5 wrong

Snoops wrote:You got all 5 wrong DIDN'T YOU

3 out of 5, because I thought Pants was too rude and I gave Boots as the first one.

Cheers R.

Apologies is this has been posted elsewhere...

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 100 Mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110 Mph, then 120 then 140 Mph.

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.

GG

two men chatting in a pub

First man says to other "what do you do for a living?"

"Im a blacksmith" was the reply

"Oh have you ever shoe'd a horse?" says the first man

second man thought for a second .... and said
"No but I've told a donkey to bugger off "........

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.

Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge!

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just LOVE lawyers?!

It helps if you have or can imitate a Yorkshire accent...


Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom ?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us."


***

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a
gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft begger!"

***
A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should
have the words "She were Thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a
few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the
widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and
have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's
been engraved "She were Thin".
He explodes - good grief, man, you've left the flamin' "e" out!
The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be
rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go
sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you"..
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E, She were
Thin".


***

Bloke from Barnsley with a sore backside asks chemist "Nah then lad, does
tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

what do you call a dog with no back legs and steel balls......................sparky..!


you can tell that one to kids.................but they dont get it

Three Men on a Hike

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river.
Needing to get to the other side,
The first man prayed:
"God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs
And he was able to swim
Across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed:
"God, please give me
Strength and the tools to cross the river"

"Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms
And strong legs and he
Was able to row across in about an hour
After almost capsizing once."

"Seeing what happened to the first two men,
The third man prayed:
"God, please give me the strength,
The tools and the intelligence
To cross the river"

Poof! .. He was turned into a woman.
She checked the map,
Hiked one Hundred yards up stream
And walked across the bridge.

Helpline: Hello, this is the BMW Helpline, how can I help you?

Customer: Your car sucks big time!

Helpline: What's wrong with your BMW?

Customer: It crashed that's what's wrong with it.

Helpline: What were you doing.

Customer: I wanted it to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator all the way down. It worked for a while and then it hit a wall. Now it won't start.

Helpline: It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect BMW to do about it?

Customer: I want you to send me one of the newer versions that doesn't crash anymore!

Funny how times have changed. Once upon a time you felt safe if you had a Moat round your house.

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says . . .

"What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!"

A cowboy rides out of the desert into a small, isolated mid-west town. It is heaving with people. There are banners and bands and hundreds of people crowded into the narrow main street.

"What's going on here?" he asks.

"They're about to hang Paper Bag Pete" was the reply.

"Paper Bag Pete? Who is Paper Bag Pete?"

"Paper Bag Pete! You've never heard of Paper Bag Pete? He has a paper bag for his head. His arms are made of paper bags. His legs are made of paper bags. And his body....is a paper bag."

"So why are they hanging him?"

"He was caught rustling"

How do you kill a circus?





Go for the Juggler !